Sunday, December 10, 2006

My Big Fat Chinese Wedding

Judging by the ensuing events of this weekend, my budding ideas for a dream wedding certainly wouldn't mesh with some of the more colourful notions of my ... dare I say it.. provincial cousins. Don't get me wrong. Certainly not a culture snob, I enjoyed myself insanely this weekend but I fear they wouldn't say the same at my far more sedate, potentially more dull wedding. Faint stringed instruments in the background, cream coloured tablecloth lined with gold borders and staid, civilized chatter over wine and cheese would certainly bore some of my aunts ( certainly my uncles ) into a soporific stupor.

Somehow or rather like any other Chinese family, I think they'd prefer mindless insanity, deafening cacophony and exceedingly late arrivals. Let's see, this is what they would expect for a dream wedding.

1) Disorganized chaos as bewildered guests run helter skelter all over the hall in search of nonexistent numbered seats, occasionally battling it out over the more coveted hall positions - away from the ear-splitting speakers, the freezing air-cond draft and the none-too-steady waiters ( imagine sparkly haired aunties in their best flashy cheongsams bitchslapping each other with their beaded handbags )

2) A slick mustachioed master of ceremonies who resembled nothing less than a flashy circus ringleader waving his beribboned baton and top hat

3) Scantily dressed nymphette Lolitas belting out the latest Cantonese pop fare loud enough to wake the dead while gyrating in sexually suggestive moves that would make Shakira proud ( and would make their parents cringe in embarassment, I'm sure ) - not to mention emulating the Dance of the Seven Veils as their scanty ensemble became ( impossibly! ) increasingly revealing throughout the night

4) Drunken Hawaiian-shirt clad uncles stumbling about in alcoholic daze as they toured the crowded hall waving their cognac bottles with seeming amiability - before the whole lot fled to the men's room later during dessert to collectively upchuck the vile poison

5) Mismatched orange plastic tableware with the most garishly scarlet tablecloth ( certainly the stuff of Martha Stewart's darkest nightmares while on the lam ) - not forgetting the interesting melange of conflicting tastes after using the same plate throughout an eight-course Chinese dinner

6) Acne-speckled, underaged waiters scurrying about in stained t-shirts tossing towering food platters onto the dining tables with little regard to fishball trauma or curry splatter

For Chrissakes, the erstwhile groom read law in London but I guess even erudite Brit scholars couldn't rid him of the peculiar notion that karaoke and a wedding dress goes together.

Still, the convivial company certainly made up for it though my boisterous cousins and I had to resort to primitive sign language ( fortunate enough for my poor laryngitis-stricken cousin ) since the speakers were blaring out Cantonese hip hop that drowned out any civilized attempts to communicate. And we certainly weren't going to strain our voices yelling across the table like uncouth fishwives in the market!

Grooms
Groomsmen changing before the big day

And btw, no hunky best men around ( and believe me I looked really really really hard ) so I had to spend the time drowning in cheap cognac dreaming of wicked bachelor nights attended by naughty groomsmen with liberal sexual habits and the loose morals of alleycats :P Reality never is as raunchy as a porn vid.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Calvin wasn't with you to jerk on your leash Evil Paul?

nyonyapenang said...

add "1 mabuk uncle to go up the stage to blabber some silly joke and then raise the glass to call for a toast."

Anonymous said...

"For Chrissakes, the erstwhile groom read law in London but I guess even erudite Brit scholars couldn't rid him of the peculiar notion that karaoke and a wedding dress goes together."

Ever been to a British wedding? Far from ridding him of that notion I'd have thought it would have confirmed it utterly!

thompsonboy said...

I am just so happy that everyone in the family who should be married is married and none of my friends are the marrying kind.

Thats what I called rest in peace.

hrugaar said...

This just helps to confirm my opinion that I'm really not ha fond of weddings. ;oP

strapping.shane said...

Now... I wonder if this makes me proud to be a Chinese. Or not. Hmm...

Anonymous said...

'tis the season to get married... fa la la la la, la la, la la...

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jase said...

Paul, Chinese weddings are fun as long as there aren't the following:

1) Old chinese ladies (tai gam che) singing old cantonese/mandarin/hokien songs on stage while everyone is trying to have a nice meal
2) Uncles harrasing nephews to drink
3) Older people asking when is it your turn to get married

Don't you think so ;)

Las montaƱas said...

you are feeling the body's natural clock? to settle down? ;)

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Anonymous said...

paul,

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Anonymous said...

paul

no handsome brides men? u sure u looked really, REALLY, hard? hmmm..............

hahaha....

Anonymous said...

Oh, how strange. I just mailed off a wedding gift to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia yesterday... We were invited to attend but didn't have the money to fly to Malaysia. The cost to send the gift almost cost more than the gift.. LOL.!

The first name initials to the happy couple are
Groom: "E"
Bride: "O"

Maybe he's your relative? Wouldn't that be a hoot!

Anonymous said...

The thing is about Chinese weddings is that no matter how hard you try to keep it low-key and civil, the attendees will make sure it doesn't stay that way - especially if you serve alcohol (in any form). Since you're planning to have wine, you can expect plenty of yamseng-ing before half-time followed by naughty antics to make you do unspeakable things with your blushing bride (or groom).

As for those Lolitas, I've never actually seen them performing at a Chinese wedding (probably too bored to stand up). The ones I normally see go on are the ones that were scantily clad Lolitas. Like, back in the 60's.

Which reminds me, I'm due for another round at the end of the month. Pray for my soul, will you?

Jake said...

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it"

Perky said...

*Gasp!!!* So this is what I can expect from a Chinese wedding? I must quickly plan to un-chinese my future wedding! Lol!

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Anonymous said...

Who knows, maybe you gonna have a gay Chinese-styled wedding?
Remember to invite me ya?

Steven said...

Oh to be a fly on the wall...

Would've loved to see all of that in person. It sounds so tacky, just like every wedding I've ever been to!