Road Hog

I'm a bad driver.

Really. As opposed to the faintly slanderous adage that lady drivers are the worst ever, I can honestly admit that I might be just a shade more dangerous than them. Not that I drive recklessly along the highways gunning down little children and old ladies hobbling helplessly across the road of course - though underaged kids careering mindlessly on motorcycles had better watch out if I ever run amuck!

Although I can't say that I blame them. There's nothing like letting loose on the road for once and... well, let me explain, I drive a small, compact little Honda car that's a smooth, easy ride. Since it's also a little low on the ground, it always irks Big Bicep Barry when he has to stoop to get inside so we decided to try his ride for once. For the uninitiated, the man drives a huge, black, hulking SUV which matches his bigger bulk - he claims it's essentially for his work but I think the coolness quotient had to be factored in. After all that battleship he drives guzzles up oil like Saddam was never ousted and squats like a mountain slammed onto the side of the road.

Barry : Here, take it.
Paul : You have gotta be kidding. It's so big!
Barry : Don't worry. I'm sure you can handle something this size easily.
Paul : That's what they always say!
Barry : Just take the keys and let's get going.
Paul : Fine. Just don't blame me if I hit the fender on a pillar or something.

Took a while to acclimatize to the thinner air up in his SUV after climbing up the steps. Let me tell you that maneuvering a freaking tank down the road is certainly an experience. Nothing like looking down from a superior height at the dinky cars driving beside - knowing that you could probably nudge them aside into the drain so terribly easily. Yeah, I'm a monster on the road. I know.


Roam if you want too...
After several death-defying Hollywood stunts as I road-hogged my way through the town - including a John Woo extravaganza as the nifty vehicle sailed over Malacca River after a bump on the bridge had us literally airborne for at least 4 seconds - a visibly shaken Barry reached over and held my hand down on the wheel. Trust me, all those workouts have given him really strong hands. Rather than a lewd proposal, all he had to say was this.

Barry : At least let me die after my dinner.