It was a question that was posed during dinner tonight. While Big Bicep Barry and I munched on greens and sprouts ( okay, that's a blatant lie. He nibbled on greens. I gobbled on fried chicken ), I found myself pondering the same question that has haunted gay men for centuries past. Don't be shocked but I actually do participate in some form of intellectual discourse - in between cheap gossip and skanky comments about ladies with sad delusions that paisley becomes them. Ever the good samaritan, Barry tolerates the cheap gossip but deals with the skanky comments with a disapproving grunt.
The world has always wanted to know what makes gay men tick. Always thought it was a moot question. I don't need multimillion dollar worldwide genetic trials or pheromones sprayed on t-shirts to tell me the answer. The answer is simple enough. If I'd taken the straight, easy road, I'd be impossibly heterosexual, married happily to my improbably adoring wife and blessed with three squabbling children in a lovely IKEA-inspired suburban home - to the utmost approval of my family and friends. Instead I've chosen the harder path, the one not taken by the majority of the population, possibly leading to a lifetime of misery and loneliness, bitterly ostracized ( if not chased down the streets and stoned to death ) by certain morally rigid sections of society as depraved deviants. And I've chosen men. Come on, we all know this. A large number of men are actually stereotypically lazy, hairy, stinking slobs with pathetic genetic tendencies to stray - hence the loneliness I mentioned earlier.
Seriously, why would anyone in their right mind choose the harder path? If genetics didn't play a part, why bother making such a difficult choice?
Obvious answer would be it isn't as simple as making a choice.
A sweet, charming friend of mine has recently had that question shot repeatedly at him as certain members of his family have found themselves at odds with the path he has chosen. I have gay friends who wonder why their close friends and family frown upon the choice they've made. Why shouldn't they? Not only are we walking a dark, lonely path lined with prickly thorns and razor-edged stones, we're more likely to walk that path alone. Let's face it, I doubt any of our wellwishers would want that for us.
After all that, there is a choice to be made. The choice whether to hide in the shadows ( like the Ennis del Mar's of the world ) or to be open with who you are. So for all those out there still grappling with their sexuality, think hard and think twice before making your choice.
25 comments:
Being gay is not wrong.
You put it into words very well, when explained that way, people should come to understand that being gay is not a choice.
I'm unfamiliar with Mayalasia, but in regards to anything, whether it's economics or my sexuality, I always thought the key to survival was following the examples of the animals on the plains. They migrate. They go to where there is food and to where there is water. So likewise, if the environment is hostile to me, I would migrate elsewhere (and that's actually what I did).
Consequently, one doesn't have to have a life of loneliness, or be childless and be gay. I have the adoring spouse (of 20 years, he just happens to be another man), and I've got the kids at my feet, but I never would have had it all if I stayed in my hometown. Like the animals on the plain, constantly moving around for their own nourishment, I had to go find my own oasis.
It may not always be an easy road but God I'm having fun skipping along it.
And it's still possible to have an Ikea-inspired suburban home if you're gay. In fact, it's practically mandatory.
As for squabbling children... I really can't think of any better reason to keep company with sodomites.
One man could like fat hairy women, another one could like petite blondes. What prompts their choice (genetically, psychologically or whatever) might be an interesting question; but on the whole, people will say: that's how they are, as long as they're happy, that's fine.
A third man prefers men. Immediately everyone seems to need a full explanation to be able to understand him, let alone accept him (seldom a popular choice). Whether he's happy or not scarcely enters into it.
Understanding what causes homosexuality ain't necessarily going to change anything - except to give people more ideas of how they can try to eradicate it. Understanding what gay people can contribute to the benefit of humanity seems a wiser path to me.
But then maybe I'm just barking.
i believe its nature AND nurture. read somewhere that some males are predisposed into developing what is "subnormal" male attributes. i guess it means we develop a more acute sense of style, and know that barbers are NOT the only hair stylists, that brown can look FABULOUS with sky blue, that pink is not only for screaming princesses, that burgers and fries are not considered a MEAL, that speaking in straight english with proper grammar and intonation is something to be proud of, and that going to the gym is as important as going to church. thats the nature part.
unfortunately, society has been rather square as to what defines a man, rather, a boy, and being who we are and how kids (and their UGLY parents) can be absolutely mean, we are literally pushed inside the closet. we stay there rather than face cruelty and unacceptance. eventually seeking the company of ppl who are like us.
i guess if ppl wer more open from the start, i wudnt be in this position.
i came out to a few friends and just lately, to my mom. all of them wer pretty cool about it, though my mom was a bit apprehensive, but that was expected. it wasnt really the liberating experience i had hoped but im definite happier now. i dont think that coming out now gives me licence to start painting the town red (actually, chartreuse wud luk better under our light) , only that at least now, im more comfortable in my own skin... and i guess, thats all i need to be happy.
I can emphatise with you on your blog, but sometimes, it all boils down, not only to genetic factor, but also into reason of environment, social and spatial.
The choice we made are freely ours and we have to decide for ourselves what is truly worth it. Is it fair to repress ourselves and be straight when definitely we are not? Is it fair if we discover that we can't repress it completely and end up with extra-marital affairs with guys instead and leaving our poor wives ignorant in the background when we are supposedly hanging out with our male buddies?
Of course, I am not saying that being gay is all that rosy, we face the emotional trauma of not only being a societal outcast in our rather narrow minded country and family structure and on top of that, chances of being completely faithful to our respective partner is absolutely near impossible, being "animals" that we humans are, we can't help it but to "fornicate" with as many as we can....not on the desire for the continuation of our lines, but purely for our sexual desire and gratification..they are of course exception to the point but majority are not in the exception.
Being rather side tracked actually from what I first started out writing about...what I wanted to say was that, we might not have the choice of choosing the sexual company of them same sex or otherwise, but we have the choice of being discreet and hiding that from our families, if our families and friends are completely not able to accept who we are for what we are.. that is the choice we have to make.
I know at times, we have this urge of shouting from the highest mountain about the one we truly love, but, can we? could we? is society truly ready for that..without us being ridiculed?
Peace out..... whooa!! Extremely long comment today..
Making a choice is only the first step in life.
I am speechless n don't know what to say...
yup u have to make choice in your life and u should happy with what ever u doing..luck!!
OMG you're gay!? Well, I never--!
Fine, if I get the gay virus and get grilled by my family, I'll just say I got it from you.
Hi Paul, did you not share that thoughts of yours with Big Bicep Barry?
kent
totally changing the subject, i have been following your stories 4 a while..i want to believe all that you have written BUT something tells me that BBB is a fiction of your imagination that make the blog inyeresting. CUM on show us some proof.......
jAMES
Well, kap, it certainly isn't.
Searching for my own oasis is going to take some time. Not to say that it hasn't occurred to me sometime in the future but not now, steve. Still have many things left to do here.
Glad you're skipping along that road, Jay.
TOtally agree, evan loong. It's a mix of both nature and nurture but for certain sections of society to totally negate the nature factor would be ridiculous.
You're not barking, ru. :) Your point is made.
Glad you've come to terms with yourself, designdoc.
Great comments, qua vadis - and a good way to round up what I babbled incoherently. Thanks! :)
Thanks, cava and asmadi. YOu're speechless, pakcik!? :O
DIdn't I get the disease from you, WIlla?!
I did that, Kent.
Well, James, that's the fun part of anonymity online. You never can actually tell whether it's true. All I can assure you is that everything's true here - seen through my overly dramatic eyes. Will only post Barry's picture here if he agrees.
Paul
Choices and more choices!
Nature and nurture!
Gay v Straight...
Men v Women
Loneliness v Family...
....and I'm still hiding in the closet. Thanks for another brilliant article.
Time for me to think again for my miserable and lonely life :-)
Being gay is not a choice nor is it wrong. I chose to stop hiding my true self and feelings and to stop pretending last year, in May. It wasn't easy, but I felt a whole lot better. I have gay friends who are only out to their friends, not their families. That is a choice - who to tell. Now, my friends know the real me and I am seeing a wonderful person too. Thanks for the very interesting articles Paul. Some good reading there.
Ian, you're certainly not alone in this wide, lonely world :) Smile.
You're one brave man, ctg!
Paul
we are all entitled to our own opinions. I'm referring to the comments about it being choice and nature vs. nurture.
What aspect of nurture makes one gay? Is there some training?
A tactic of the Right is to say that societies tolerance of homosexuality can lead questioning people to try it. This gives them the argument that society should never be tolerant of homosexuality.
And that creates a hostile world for those of us born gay.
When we give weight to the theory that it is choice, then we give weight to the theory that one choice is better than the other.
And that is truly what creates hell on earth for gay people.
I have used and believe in the exact same rationale you used to explain why i am gay.
i think its a harder path if one pretends to be hetero when one is not. ur not just making a choice for ur own, but also for people that u could potentially hurt if u decide to live a lie. well, thats how i felt about it...
The only choice is to hide it or not. It will always be there.
Bandit Talks
Precisely, steve. And I'm not exactly sure which part of nurture turns us gay. Somehow or rather the weak father, dominant mother act doesn't hold much water.
Great, jjd! What have you been up to!
teekay, it's a hard path. Not surprised there are some who choose not to take it.
That's right, rick.
Paul
Being gay is DEFINITELY not wrong. And one should not feel miserable nor depressed due to whatever that stems out from one's sexuality.
Sometimes we think - God, why me? Why do You have to make me gay? What did I do wrong? How can You help me to become str8?
But thinking a little bit deeper, perhaps He has made one as he is with a reason that shall not be revealed until we meet Him? Perhaps He did not have a say in one's sexuality, and one's sexuality is totally biologically controlled? Perhaps He wants one to "see and feel" certain things that normal men can't? The list goes on and on. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. So, perhaps we shouldn't link God to this? I don't know.
Like someone once said "Do you think I'd wanna be gay and lead a potentially lonely life filled with pricks (pardon the pun) and thorns, if I have a choice?"
Of coz, some die-hard fans of Chris Evans (maybe not you Paul -- or maybe you? :P) may say, YES, I will still wanna be gay even if I can choose otherwise.
But there're also those who say that they would have chosen the straight path if they could.
Being gay is NOT within one's control. Choosing which path to live our lives IS. Choosing is easy, trust me. Living it isn't.
Of coz, Paul or some others may argue - why choose the str8 path and be miserable? Might as well choose the gay path and be miserable; at least, you can be yourself, right?
My point of argument is - if one can choose the straight path and live it with the support of one's spouse, then there is all there is to it. That can actually nurture a sort of, normal, family life. Of coz, those "skanky moments" as Paul puts it, has to stop. Or, continue - depending on how one chooses. However or whatever one does, he must remain in total control and know where the boundary is and who the important person in his life is or where home is.
However, the hardest part is finding the right spouse. One who can understand your needs. One who can bear with your so-called unique abilities to oggle at guys. And one who can truly love you for who you are till the end.
To those who are still soul searching or still searching for the right spouse, you have another karma point from me whenever I say my prayers. Good luck. From the bottom of my heart....
Good comment, someone I may know. I have a feeling I know who it is but your sudden volubility astounds me!
But you're right! The choice of whether to hide or to leap out of the proverbial closet all depends on the person. Perhaps others might feel differently but if they feel themselves unable to tread that thorny path, I don't find it morally wrong to choose not to follow it. Just make sure you make the best of it once you've made the choice - rather than living a lie like Ennis.
Paul
Glad you're understanding. Sometimes, I just can't talk too much about myself. And can't display openly too much either. I won't know who is reading this fabulously popular blog of yours! I might have a bit of a phobia here, but, we all have our careers to worry about. And being a pillar of the pack, I guess I have to be quite discreet sometimes. Heck, if I have loads of dough, I dont bloody care what others think of me, as long as I dont kill, rob or rape on purpose....well, except for the last one though...and only if it's Chris Evans.LOL. Well, if you know who, you can always ping me on the web. Not a problem for me.
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