What actually compels a person to remain in an abusive, destructive relationship? Relationship issues borne from a deprived childhood? A twisted, sadistic kinda love? The faint flicker of hope that he could change, miraculous though that might be? A misplaced sense of security? Do they seriously believe that a person who resorts to such simple acts of violence to resolve their issues will change in a day?
Let's face it, this cycle of abuse doesn't only happen to women. Although there are a number of ladies with a capacity for violence, let's not fool ourselves. Men have always been brutish, violent specimens ( and I admit I like some of that tough machismo in small doses ) - and two men together in a relationship can be quite the recipe for a disaster.
When I hear stories from my nurses of those getting battered in a relationship, it only raises my blood pressure :) Why the fucking hell remain in such relationship! My ex, well, my ISO, he is taller, larger and his fists would definitely pack more of a punch than mine - but for all his wicked, philandering ways, he has never raised a hand to me - and neither have I ( do I look suicidal? ). Not sure how I would react if the deed actually happened - though thoughts of hacking him up into little pieces with a hatchet afterward sounds good ( what can I say, I have my own vicious tendencies ) - but I'm sure I'd do the rational adult thing, just turn and walk out the door never to return. There is no way I could remain in a relationship which undermines my self-esteem, tears down my confidence - and leaves me with more than superficial bruises. Is it really worth it?
8 comments:
Abuse in relations is sad and treacherous. My heart goes out to the young lady in ICU.
Why do they stay in those kind of relationship? Eventually it all boils down to fear itself. And usually the fear is well-grounded. These people have usually been threatened with death if they leave, and they know this--"If he (or she) is capable of this, then they are certainly capable of killing me without a second thought!".
It's horrible.
Well, lost! I totally agree and it makes me so flaming mad!
Brian, it's so true unfortunately! A neverending cycle I'm afraid.
Paul
I suppose it also boiled down to fear of future of being on there own plus in this sort of relationship, especially husband and wife, the husband will be the person who control the financial aspect which will be hard on the woman.
The other aspect is also the mental factor. Some had retain their illusion that things will be better. This I suppose is often found when the abuser behave in jackle and hyde routine.
But perhaps the scariest of it all is the one where the abused get used to it. And it seems that it's the result of having abusive parents and they never know that there are other ways live.
also, note that in some cases, the one who is being abused felt that without the abusive partner, he/she cannot live alone, in a way, he/she cannot bear living without the partner. In the end, he/she will have to be dependant towards the partner. the partner, sensing that the abused one has totally surrender him/herself, will try in many ways just to show that he/she is in control of the abused.
which was really sad... for both parties, one who needs the abuse to feel secured, another one needs to feel secured by showing that he/she is in control of the abused...
I've come across a few cases of abuse, and it does seem to be any or all of the factors so far mentioned that keep people in abusive relationships ... fear (either of the aggressor, or of how to survive alone if they walk out), diminished self-esteem and lack of confidence, hope that things will get better again, or the deluded acceptance that that's the 'normal' way for relationships to be.
Another aspect that I find perhaps more unsettling is where the victim continues in the relationship primarily because they love the abuser, no matter what he/she does to them. There's a scary reference to this in one of the scenes in the play "After Liverpool", where the man traps the woman with the logical argument that she loves him no matter what he does (which she agrees to), while slapping her several times during the course of the conversation. While I believe in self-sacrificing love, and setting your own safety aside for the sake of those you love, I must confess that this particular manifestation leaves me more than a little uncomfortable.
Gay men in an abusive relationship can also feel doubly trapped, if the pressures of society make them secretive even about the existence of that relationship in the first place. :o(
I do like Paul's hatchet solution, though. ;o)
Have you guys seen 'Enough' starring Jennifer Lopez and Billy something, the husband from Once and Again. Ooh, he was hot!
Anyway, in that movie, he was abusive and J-Lo left him and he tracked her down, vowing to kill her because she left. She trained, fought back and killed him before he could get a chance to kill her.
Guess Paul's hatchet thingy bears weight after all... :)
Sometimes, we are caught in situations without even realizing it. I have been caught in a really bad situation without realizing it. Not that it justifies it, but really we have to be on the look out for the signs....
this is totally besides the point... but kickboxers have suchhh hot bodies!!!
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