Guidelines to Being Gay

Dirty politics in this country has gotten so highly nauseating that I try to keep my news media browsing to a minimum these days - else I would be hurling invectives right and left after my morning coffee. With all the mudslinging done by our unimaginative politicians, a mud-wrestling ring would be a better place for them than the parliament. But despite my daily filters, the occasional trash rag still finds its way into my inbox.

Enough to make me involuntarily spit out my caffeine intake.

So in case any of you guys actually missed this choice piece of offal found amongst the endless filth churned out by the current government, take a look at what our supposedly enlightened education ministry has come up with.

The Education Ministry had endorsed "guidelines" to help parents to identify gay and lesbian "symptoms" in their children so they can take early corrective measurements. The guidelines list four symptoms each of gays and lesbians:

Symptoms of gays:

- Have a muscular body and like to show their body by wearing
- V-neck and sleeveless clothes;
- Prefer tight and light-coloured clothes;
- Attracted to men; and
- Like to bring big handbags, similar to those used by women, when hanging out.

Symptoms of lesbians:
- Attracted to women;
- Besides their female companions, they will distance themselves from other women;
- Like to hang out, have meals and sleep in the company of women; and
- Have no affection for men.

"Once the children have these symptoms, immediate attention should be given," the guidelines warn.

Yes, gay men are attracted to men. Colour them surprised, that's certainly news for the ingenious Einsteins at the ministry. Rather than focus on improving the sadly deteriorating state of education in our country, they have decided to browbeat the easiest homosexual scapegoats they can find.

Guess I'll be skipping the V-neck today.

Talk about a noxious garbage bag of the most inane homosexual stereotypes ever. Just short of a flaccid limp-wrist and a high-pitched whine. Don't know if the gay list is actually more insulting to my straight brethren out there! You mean the breeder boys these days have to turn into obese bovines in shapeless black round-necked burqas just to prove their straight machismo?

Forget about fashion sense! God forbid the metrosexuals successfully pull off a fitting V-neck sweater only to be accused of homosexuality.

And after dragging out the non-conforming unfortunates - regardless of their actual sexuality, what immediate attention and corrective measurements do these bigoted Nazis in the ministry intend to give? The infamous gay rehabilitation camps again? Maybe place a ban on tight v-neck sweaters? Or perhaps forcefeed the boys so they gain ungainly weight to be able to pass amongst the rest?