Thursday, December 08, 2011

The Crass & The Curious

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

So Sibyl's Matchmaking Mama mistakenly believes. Though no matter how misguided her scattered thoughts, I have gradually come to respect the harridan's shockingly dogged tenacity. Never ever underestimate a woman on a mission.

Despite the fact that I haven't set eyes on Scatter-brained Sibyl for almost a decade, Sibyl's Mama seems to have a fixed opinion that we were destined to be hand-fasted in marriage. On my word as a gentleman, I swear I never made any attempt to form an attachment with Sibyl but I believe some of her fanciful fairy tales must have influenced her mother's already mawkishly sentimental mind.

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

How else to explain the mindless perseverance!

Paul : Wait. Did your mom just say our wedding gifts?
Sibyl : Umm.. maybe?

For failing to convince my sister-in-law Sassy Sue, Sibyl's Mama has decided to plead her case before ... everyone else. She might as well have just put up banns on our impending marriage at city hall.

Sue : Sibyl's Mama has enlisted the help of my mother.
Paul : Good God. That woman is an unstoppable juggernaut!
Sue : Who knows, Sibyl's Mama might just appear at your doorstep soon enough.
Paul : Presenting her proposal to my parents for an arranged marriage?
Sue : I wouldn't put it past her.
Paul : At the rate she has been going around bandying my good name in connection to Sibyl's, the world must think that I had treated her shabbily, toyed with her tender emotions and then abandoned her in tears on the streets.
Sue : Bad gay man.

Gods, am I to be forever branded as the man who done her wrong?

Vanity working on a weak head, produces every sort of mischief

So it's about time to nip this entire sorry affair in the bud. Time to track down the elusive Scatter-brained Sibyl and impress upon her that her matrimonial chances when it comes to me as the groom would be slim to none. Hell, it would be none - since even were I straight, I would think twice before considering an alliance with such a flighty scatterbrain.

Especially one with such a terrifying mother.

God knows I can be the only crazy bitch around here. Now how do I about solving this! Perhaps it's time to bring out the boyfriend. Vague threats of homosexuality might not do the trick but surely even the redoubtable matron would balk at the unwelcome sight of a male partner.

Time to come out to Sibyl this Christmas?


Ban said...

Come out? Just be direct. "HELL NO, stop bothering me!"

matt said...

i agree, ban. and i love the literary references. sibyl's mom seems just like Mrs. Bennet.

savante said...

But I'm not supposed to know anything, ban!

Yeah, great of you to notice! The references were from Austen's novels, matt.