Thursday, June 11, 2009

Horror Victim Rulebook

Seriously. I don't think I'm cut out to be the hero of a movie. Plenty of times I find myself cheering and clapping enthusiastically when a particularly irksome character falls into a deathly pit to be consumed by maniacal monsters. Doubt I'd have pulled them back from the precipice though I hope I would have refrained from doing the pushing myself.

Come on! Generic horror movie victims do so many stupid things - besides the usual seeking shelter in a dark, dank, creepy mansion! - that I can't help but feel zero sympathy when they're summarily sliced, diced and chopped up for so much cheap fodder. Most of the time, they almost seem to deserve it.

You have your guileless bimbo types who just can't help looking for trouble.

Girl : Sir? Could I ask you a question? I've been chased by fanged monsters all evening and I just wondered -
Murderous Thug : Get lost.
Girl : Waitaminute you look familiar. Didn't I see you kill a girl earlier? Are you a monster? Waitaminute, are you - Aaaackk!!! You just slashed me! Eeek!
Murderous Thug : I'm not the fanged monster but your questions are getting irritating.
Fanged Monster : Thanks. My thoughts exactly.

Really. Foolishly march into a sleazy bar full of dangerous men and start asking pointed personal questions. Do you blame the crazed thug for stabbing the girl just for the fun of it?

Punch
Enjoying the murderous mayhem just a lil too much!

Then you have the stereotypical screaming ninny. Certainly one of the types I'd drop off a high cliff if I could.

Girl : I can take care of myself! I must help you! I must save the world! I will be - EEEEEEKKKKK!
Hero : WTF.
Girl : It's a spider! Like scary and I can't stand - EEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!!
Hero : What now?
Girl : There's a severed finger! EEEEEEEKKKK!!!
Hero : I can see it for myself.
Girl : There's the villain of the piece! EEEEEKKK!!! OMG. You stabbed me instead!
Hero : Yeah, just shut up.
Villain : Thanks. It's about time.

Obviously I'm not a big fan of screeching. I seem to be the only one since producers seem to enjoy populating horror movies with such irritating stereotypes. Perhaps so the rest of us can all cheer madly when they suffer a horrible painful death.

So you can imagine what I felt when they combined all those annoying qualities in one bothersome female for the latest anime-turned-movie Blood. Honestly I felt like lending the villains a hand in putting a period to her short meaningless life.


Unfortunately the tedious bimbo in this particular movie didn't find her fitting end as a bountiful buffet for the voracious bloodsuckers - despite the fact that everyone was gunning for her blood ( hough I don't blame them for wanting her dead ). But she somehow survived all thanks to the wiles of the half-vampire protagonist named Saya who kept on saving her stupid ass for some obscure reason.

Damn. I was hoping for some disemboweling at the least.

8 comments:

ikanbilis said...

i'm so lost when it comes to movies lately. sigh.

Ban said...

That girl was pretty dumb. But the first pic paul... is ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Queen B said...

we refrain ourselves from watching horror movies b'coz if it isn't scary enough....we are the one who will laugh like a vampire in the cinema....which pretty much would scare off other movie-goers~ ;P

savante said...

Why so lost, ikanbilis?

Finally you agree the girl is a brainless nitwit, ban. And the pic's a lil too much but hey, I like the expression on his face.

I know. Don't you feel like strangling the heroine sometimes, B?

P

Janvier said...

Right. Not watching!

Evann said...

Hmm, and I was just talking about necrophilia with someone the other night.

savante said...

Definitely don't, janvier!

And how did that subject crop up, evann!

P

Perky said...

The movie absolutely did not live up to the standards that made the anime great.

The CGI was laughable, and yes, the mat salleh girl was soooo annoying and Saya... urgh. Bad movie.

The only nice thing about the movie was Onigen's kimono. lol!