Pineapples, Papercuts and Prosperity

Since I found the coffeeshop a little lacklustre and sombre for the boisterous new year, I decided to liven up the place. Conscripting my cousin Lispy Lori's help, we raided the few stores still left open to tszuj up the place. Filled up our bags with enough decorations paint the town red - and then some.

Which actually means only a paltry half compared to what I spent in Miri.

But my austere grandmother specifically requested that I keep my fabulousity to a minimum. Especially since she finds such grandiose bling bling decorations shockingly offensive. Possibly remnants of her more frugal immigrant days in the past.


Painting couplets at the door!
Unlike her profligate descendants. Lori and I disregarded her advice somewhat while purchasing pineapples, papercuts and prosperity couplets by the dozen. Probably went overboard just a little and only came to a stop when we realized in our enthusiasm that we almost bought a red lantern large enough to fit an entire coffee table in.

Had one of my other cousins drag my granny out while we redecorated the coffeeshop with papercuts and lanterns.

Grandmother : Good gracious. What have you done?
Paul : Added a little fabulousity.
Grandmother : Fortunately I have cataracts! Otherwise I might have been blinded by all that red and gold. And what are those giant pineapples doing here?
Paul : Ushering in wealth and prosperity?
Grandmother : We don't need that much wealth. Our family aspires to be scholarly!
Paul : Good gracious!

Talk about an unexpected response. Coming from the old-school way of thinking where boundless scholarship matters more than endless taels of gold, my grandmother finds herself embarassed by such an ostentatious display of material wealth ( or a desperate wish for wealth! ).

Wonder what she would think of the two five-feet pineapples at my house!

The Eternal New Year Conundrum

One of the most important events of the new year has to be the reunion dinner. It's the one time of the year where the entire extended family is gathered around a table over a shockingly decadent spread to celebrate the coming of spring.

Which brings about the eternal conundrum for my legally married friends. Legally meaning the straight married ones of course.

It's also a time for them to play the Guess Where We're Going For Dinner game. Wasn't as complex in the past since patrician values advocated that a woman left her own family on the day of her marriage to join her husband's. Chinese tradition would then have it that the new couple would naturally celebrate the reunion dinner at the home of the paternal in-laws!

However things are changing these days. Blame women's lib for the dilemma with the husband and wife deciding on the yearly venue at the toss of a die. After all the lady of the house can't very well abandon her parents, can she? Usually a compromise is struck between the two whether to travel alternately biennially or to have separate reunion dinners at two occasions.


Guess Where We're Going for Dinner : The Gay Version?
Of course that's a moot point when it comes to a gay couple - where both are male and Chinese. Tradition would state that both should return to their hometowns - meaning a definite separation for that time of year. Certainly no way to bring another fella home for the reunion dinner since probing questions will arise for sure ( apart from the eternal marriage question ).

Uncle : Why you bring your friend home for new year ka?
Paul : Oh yes.
Uncle : Why isn't he at home leh? He not Chinese ah?

Hmm. Maybe not such a great idea. So obviously this is one family reunion that will always have the both of us separated by the Big Puddle ( South China Sea ). At least that's what I reasonably expected till my sly mother brought it up.

Mother : Maybe one day Charming Calvin should follow us home.
Paul : As an ambassador from the east?
Mother : As a member of the family. Just see how new year is celebrated at home.
Paul : An observer from the NatGeo team?
Mother : Why not? It's a good idea.
Paul : Huh.

Seriously what does she mean by that? Disavowing any knowledge of our relationship and then suddenly throwing out a shocker like this? Another wily Jedi mindtrick?

Raise the Red Lanterns

Hard not to realize that Chinese New Year is upon us.

Especially in a town like Miri. Forget what I said about the place being a humdrum sleepy village. Once the spring festival rolls in, the entire place seems to come alive. Red lanterns line the streets, lions roam the streets and folks crowd the streets in search of last-minute celebratory goodies.

So how could I not join in? Don't believe in going into things halfheartedly so... my house is plastered all over with red prosperity papercuts, vermillion lanterns adorn my porch and yes, I do have the prerequisite lanterns at my door. Even have a lovely lime tree with gold taels hanging in my living room.

You can imagine what my office looks like. After all we only get the license to be tacky and gaudy once a year :) Why not go all out?


Still not red enough?
Something I can't say for my colleagues.

Paul : So it's the new year. Gotten newly minted cash from the bank yet?
Colleague : What for?
Paul : You're married, aren't you?
Colleague : So?
Paul : Did you forget about red packets?
Colleague : Eh, must give ah? So difficult man.

Seriously. No red packets? Scrooge much?

You can imagine how the entire crew balked at the very idea of buying new clothes! Seems hip kids these days are too cool for such old-fashioned foibles.

Come on, is that new year tradition so unreasonable? Certainly wouldn't occur to me not to dress up in new finery for the first day of the new year. None of my cousins would even consider breaking that rule! My grandmother would be horrified. Imagine all the bad luck that could ensue!

Certain traditions - such as freakish supernatural superstitions - we can toss out the backdoor. But some of the sweeter harmless ones I think we should try to cherish as much as we can. Modernization doesn't mean leaving all our myths and traditions behind. Without new clothes, red packets and the reunion dinner, what differentiates the new year from every other lacklustre celebration day? It's what makes us particular Chinese, doesn't it?


So make a special effort.

Why else would I have walked down to the new year market just to get myself some extra decorations! I figured my house needed some extra flash. Even sat through an impromptu concert with little kids being paraded on stage to regale us all with raucuous new year songs. Made me wonder with a smile if Charming Calvin had been part of this particular children's show way back when!

Just hung up a set of brilliant couplets at my door. No idea what the supposedly auspicious phrase says but it has to bring good luck, wealth and prosperity, right? Wonder if a couple of lion dances would increase my luck this year.

恭喜发财

Bare Your Love

Forget about the traditional champagne and roses for Valentine's. Much too old-fogey for the tweens of today. According to the kids of the new generation, if you want to show your love, take off your panties. Supposedly a note passing around the hip teens through mobile messaging networks all over the country - Bare your love, no panties during Valentine's.

No doubt soon they'll come up with a catchy jingle.

A novel idea. One that already has the uppity religious conservatives up in arms. Or their collective panties in a wad as it may. A couple of moral watchdogs have already threatened to take action by passing out pamphlets urging amorous young couples to keep their panties on.

Hmm. Like well-meaning prosy advice is ever gonna work. Isn't that what prudent parents all around the world have been trying to do ever since the proverbial Adam & Eve? With the hormonal adolescents wanting to go all biblical, I bet daddy Adam went hoarse reminding his numerous daughters to keep the damned fig leaves on.


Sir, could I check for underwear?
Still, it made me curious. What about the college boys? Surely with the girls all going commando, the boys should follow suit as well? Can't very well do anything remotely indecent with the fellas completely dressed.

You know, I totally would volunteer to check them out.

Paul : Hey boy, you with the roses. Are you out on a date for Valentine's?
Teen Hunk : Yes?
Paul : Drop trou now.
Teen Hunk : What?!
Paul : Get your kit off now. You can't very well show your love with your briefs on.

All for the sake of true love.

Oil Makes Ya Slow

I blame the oil.

Seriously someday a brilliant professor will publish an article explaining how the components of oil seeping into the groundswater actually turns the inhabitants around into slow-as-molasses sloths. Really. But you heard it here first.

So it's not Charming Calvin's fault. It's the water!

Or at least that's the theory I'm sticking to. Otherwise I'd probably run amuck down the streets waving a sharp utensil at the crappy service providers here. Not only are the wait staff irrationally surly, they seem to move at a retarded crawling tempo. Geriatrics with a broken cane move faster. I know indolent country folk like to take things easy - and I'm supposed to slow down as well - but this is ridiculous.


Well if the waiter looked like that, I might have been a lil nicer.
Now whoever said good looks don't matter.
I swore I wouldn't lose my temper at another member of the service industry but after twenty minutes of standing in line at a fast food joint, my patience wore thin. There were only two patrons in front of me by the way. Unfortunately the phlegmatic waitress serving them - and in fact everyone else working there - seemed to have been struck by a time machine.

Forcing them to work in slow-motion.

I've reamed one of them out before - when I first arrived. Prior to drinking the water here. Didn't know how much I've been affected till then.

Waitress : Here's your burger and fries.
Paul : I need to pay for this? This is hardly fast food.
Waitress : Yes, it's 10 dollars.
Paul : L-e-t m-e g-e-t m-y d-o-l-l-a-r.

Due to the oil I'm inadvertently ingesting these days, I've been subconsciously affected as well. So instead of tearing her a new one, I only let her go with a pretty lame remark.

How the mighty have fallen. Though I did take the entire five minutes to dig out a few dollars and multiple cents.

While the waitress waited apathetically. And earned the ire of the six customers behind me.