Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Five Stages

Should be glaringly obvious by now - but just in case, don't ever tell a doctor bad news if you're expecting an overwhelming display of sentiment.

Calvin : I've got something to tell you. 
Paul : Yes? About the medical exam? 
Calvin : My cholesterol is sky high. 
Paul : We can deal with this.

From the severely perplexed look on his face, perhaps Calvin expected a more excessive response to his unprecedented proclamation. Maybe I should have changed my response and fallen to the ground in a swoon after an artful shriek instead.

Unfortunately most doctors have schooled themselves to maintain a blank, strangely serene expression on their faces at all times regardless of the situation at hand. Think I could handle most predicaments, even the most wildly outlandish, with quite a lot of equanimity. Learned behaviour at work possibly since we know nothing much can be solved with a screaming bout of hysteria.

Apart from sheer exhaustion.

That's certainly not the underwhelming reaction Charming Calvin received when he announced it during dinner at the Forteresse de Borgia. Since I wasn't the wished-for fly-on-the-wall, I can only imagine the evening revelation brought upon a keening wail not see since the excessive lamentation of the prefiche.

Madame : Oh Dios Mios! It's the end of the world as we know it!
Benedicta : What has befallen the familia!
Paul : Wish I could record this.
Calvin : Don't you dare.

Of course I imagined his mother acting through DADBA dramatically at near lightspeed. A simple acronym I cooked up way back in medical school for what we would call the Five Stages of Grief from Kubler-Ross ranging from Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining to Acceptance.

Certainly applied to Madame Borgia when she was dutifully informed of the news.

Calvin : It is true, alas!
Madame : C'est impossible! Surely not!
Calvin : Yes I have it. I can show you the results. 
Madame : This is all your fault! All the meals! All the work! All the stress! 
Calvin : Maybe? 
Madame : Sigh, can't believe this is happening! C'est tragique! 
Calvin : I am trying very hard to -
Madame : Maybe the results are wrong? Maybe you could repeat the test? Did you drink a bit too much sugar? 
Calvin : I rechecked twice. 
Madame : Allons. 

And they decided to work out a working solution which inevitably brings my poor Calvin back to the near-vegan dietary requirements exulted by his health-conscious mother. Vegetables, vegetables and more vegetables. But not before an entire litany of I-told-you-sos.

Sometimes I do understand where Calvin gets his uncharacteristic flair for melodramatics from.

1 comment:

zerachiel said...

perhaps he could try pomegranate juice on a daily basis to lower bad cholesterol, plus do let him know that "low fat" stuffs sold are not good, you can google more on articles regarding low fat hype and harmful additives that are being added to it, in short, it's better to avoid processed food...wheatgrass helps as well :)