Beijing VII : The Long March

My last morning in Beijing was a mad-cap rush as we both hurried through getting read - Charming Calvin for work and me for my journey home. Took a while before we realized that we weren't going to be seeing each other for some length of time, at least till he comes back for his break at the end of the year. No tearful farewells though. :)

Still I will miss seeing his goofy smile every morning.

Made my way to the capital airport in record time - thanks to a particularly insane taxi driver - but was held up at the ticketing counter due to a shockingly slow agent who pored through each and every travel document before issuing the boarding pass. To make her speed up the process, I could have knocked her pretty little head with my Tibetan stool but I was half-afraid that I'd exceeded the baggage limit.

Which I did. By a smidgen. Or four. That happens when you have 3 painting scrolls, 2 water-colours, a lacquered Tibetan stool, an ethnic drum, illustrated books, wooden carvings, porcelain statues and other souvenir paraphernalia ( from magnets to mugs to scarves ).

Thankfully she overlooked that little misdemeanour in her hurry to hand me the pass ( with the other ten in line behind me glaring daggers at her ).

One thing I noticed the minute I got on the plane was the serious lack of man-candy. Sure the ladies looked their immaculate best as usual but the standards for stewards have slipped tremendously. For some time, I've held delicious male stewards as the standard for regular man-about-town hotness but I believe I'll have to find another yardstick.


Cute stewards
Usually half an hour into the flight, I'd be easily having instant orgasms fantasizing about checking out the cockpit of an especially luscious male steward - or even shoving the hapless hunk into the toilet for a personal inspection of his cabin ( for mile-high wannabes, not to be recommended since you bump onto every edge on the tiny space, believe me ). One memorable flight to London I even caught the scrumptious sight of a buff crew member changing.

On this particular flight, not a single one caught my fancy surprisingly! They all looked like me. Ugh. I can barely pass for human.

So this flight home I preferred instead to drool over the beefcake sitting next to me. Seriously a totally HAWT DILF ( Dad I Like to Fuck ). Piercing eyes, a square jaw, biceps of death and unfortunately a bright cheery toddler resting on his broad, brawny shoulders. Man-candy enough to keep me fascinated for the entire six hour journey while I recounted the things I learnt about the folks in Beijing.

1) Personal hygiene issues

Privacy issues and open toilets aside ( why the shocking aversion to toilet doors? ), what's with all the spitting? Do they carry so much phlegm? Do they find it particularly cultured to hack, cough and spit at regular intervals? Time they carried personal spittoons around.

2) Traffic madness

Forget about bungee jumping and extreme sports. You want adrenaline thrills? Go for a drive in Beijing. Inching between other irate drivers, crazed bicyclists and valorous pedestrians crossing en masse regardless of traffic signs will surely be enough to raise the blood pressure.

3) Allergy to queues

Obviously queueing is a purely bourgeouis Western concept. I like it. Unfortunately the millions in China don't seem to grasp that concept. Why else do they push and shove to the front of the queue just to throw their money at the till? Regardless of who's standing at the front. Not only does this happen in uncivilized railway stations, it also happens at the regular McDonald's. You wouldn't believe the number of death stares I've given to these rude vermin. Unfortunately after shrinking from my stare, they only look back in utter confusion not realizing their faux pas.

4) Walking chimneys


Smoking trails
Despite the regular health warnings, Chinese men and their cigarettes are not soon to be parted unfortunately. Hence the prevalence of smoking trails wherever their men go. Paired with their predilection for alcohol during celebratory dinners ( with mini kanpeis at every other occasion ), I doubt healthy lungs / livers are all that common amongst their men.

5) Fast food

The poor mainland Chinese are being taken for a ride by Western conglomerates. Just take a look at the itty-bitty chicken drumsticks served up by the Colonel for nearly double the amount we're paying for. Small enough that I mistook it for a damned fried pigeon! And I haven't even gotten to the burgers and pizzas yet.

Little gripes only though. Doesn't mean I'm not happily contemplating my next trip to China again :) Although hunky Huang Xiaoming moneyboys were pretty hard to find, there were so many other things to buy - and damned cheap to boot. Already given me ideas to open a curio shop of my own. Come on, 50 bucks for a stool that I can easily sell here for 400 bucks with a practised spiel? Now to look for a silent partner :P