The Stern Uncle

The past week has certainly been quite the ordeal for Charming Calvin - having his unfamiliar niece and nephew thrust upon him for the brief duration followed by his own redoubtable mother then falling prey to the passing scourge of serpentine affliction. Burdened by all these troubles, Calvin has had to man up to deal with them all by himself.

With some little help from the taciturn Benedicta of course.

While Benedicta plays reluctant nurse in the sick room, the children are permitted to roam the family compound under the care of their watchful uncle. As you would have already guessed, Charming Calvin's the sweet, lovable uncle allowing free rein for the kids to do as they well please, spending literal hours glued to their tablets and Wii while slacking the rest of the day off while it's charging.

All the while he's vegetating several feet away gazing with an indulgent eye.

Far different from my more... astringent methods of pre-adolescent childcare.

Paul : You call that a shot? You couldn't hit the side of a barn. 
Niece : I- I am t-trying.
Paul : Try harder! How are you going to guard the portal to hell!
Niece : What portal?
Paul : Don't pretend. Now pick up your bow. 

Staring mindlessly at the telly watching reruns? Wasting their precious time on silly inconsequential games? Lying on the grass for hours doing nothing but inhaling the durian trees?

Certainly not on my watch.

Paul : Bring them out now. 
Calvin : They are sleeping.
Paul : It's just after lunch. 
Calvin : A nap after lunch. 
Paul : Good god. Get them scrubbed and out now!

Taking my cue from the Tiger Mother, it didn't take very long before I set things right for the two kid loafers with hard-hitting gritty personal questions interspersed with mathematical puzzles and language quizzes. Just running short of having workbooks and exercises thrown at them - which I would have if I had any spare.

The Serpent Demon

Much as they always feared - and despite all the various warding precautions and magical defences they had taken years to construct around the seeming impregnable family compound, the deceptive serpent demon had managed to land a terrifyingly weakening blow to the stalwart matriarch. There was a palpable gasp amongst the leading warriors of the clan as they simultaneously turned to her only to see her clutch her bloodied sword arm and stagger backwards. With a startling flash of pure white, the infamous Staff of Baram fell heedlessly from her other hand. 

Even as Sir Calvin rushed forward to catch her fall, he could hear her faltering words through the sheer din of battle. "Cal, call the children..."

Snatching the magical staff to cast a shield of protection around them, Sir Calvin crouched down closer. Surely he could have her wrong. "Mother? What do you mean? Children?" 

"Your niece and nephew. Cal, Cal, they have to know." Her fragile looking hands reached for his and held them resolutely. "Promise me."

At least that's what I presume happened last week at Forteresse de Borgia. After all it was the inauspicious inception of the Hungry Ghost Month whereupon the portals of hell creak open allowing all manner of mystical mayhem to flare up.

So you can imagine what a terribly busy month it would be for the beleaguered Keepers of the Portal. Oh wait, that might still be a secret. Shhh.

Calvin : Shh. Don't let Uncle Paul scare you. He only looks mean.
Nephew : And barks a lot?
Paul : Be careful. I bite as well. 

As per Madame Borgia's incontrovertible instructions, Charming Calvin has immediately departed for the other side of the Big Puddle to retrieve the precious children mentioned above. His niece and nephew actually. Recently struck down by a debilitating malady, our poor Madame Borgia finds herself somewhat indisposed and in need of perpetual succour.

Though she has repeatedly refused my obscene Western medical practices and opted instead for a more obscure brand of otherworldly regimen consisting of gory blood-letting, dubious concoctions and possibly virgin sacrifices.

Well maybe not the virgins since they are truly impossible to find these days.

No matter the reason whether for familial ties or for nefarious hellish purpose, I'm just glad Charming Calvin has taken this huge step to bring the children into the family fold. Not only will he be accompanying them on this positively dangerous journey all by himself, the children will be coming over without their daunting mother in tow. Progress at the very least!

Niece & Nephew

There are days I'll admit to missing my niece and nephew, the aforementioned Chatty Carmen who is growing up far from chatty these days due to a near pathological obsession with the technological wonders of the tablet and Rambling Raoul who oddly enough now rambles on all day long chattering utterly dispelling our initial fears during his stubbornly reticent rugrat years.

Used to have the Big Puddle separating us but nowadays it's more like the Big Pond since they are also schooling thousands of miles away on that other giant island Down Under. Internet messaging and Facetime can only get us so far - and I am notoriously brusque on telecommunication devices ever since I started work - which is why each time they are back, I try my best to obtain leave so as to spend some time with them.

There was even that memorable December last year when I dragged the kids unwillingly down the sweltering streets of Bangkok. With Charming Calvin trudging sluggishly even further down the line. Doubt he remembers it with such sweet nostalgia.

Nevertheless one of the brilliant highlights of the year.

And yes, I make my niece and nephew dress for dinner. 

Something I've always wanted for Calvin as well. Just like me, he also has a niece and nephew of comparable age. In fact his little nephew is practically the spitting image of Calvin himself though he would deny it vehemently!

Being oh-so-adorable, you would think he would be scrambling to spend time with them. However that doesn't seem to be the case as Calvin - oddly enough - doesn't find a need to be particularly close to them. Perhaps it could be the distance since the children have been under the care of his sister-in-law after his brother's untimely passing a year ago.

But what about when they are staying over for the school holidays? Or when we are over there on their side of the Big Puddle?

Paul : Maybe you should take the kids out for a day. Spend some time with them. 
Calvin : Too difficult. 
Paul : It's not that difficult. I do that all the time with my niece and nephew. Give your sister-in-law a break. 
Calvin : Too tiring. 
Paul : It's only half a day at most. 
Calvin : Too dangerous. 
Paul : Surely you can keep an eye out for two small kids!
Calvin : Too -
Paul : Are you going to come up with another lame excuse? 

Mind-boggling?

Though I've spoken about it at length with him, I find it hard to comprehend this baffling detachment. Basically for the Borgias, these kids are their next generation, in line to watch over their lands and whatever evils lie beneath. In an older time and age in Confucian China, those two kids would undoubtedly have come directly under his care. Probably shipped right to his doorstep with sister-in-law in tow regardless of his wishes since he's the only other male sibling in the family.

Well maybe things will change this Christmas since his niece and nephew are coming here again for the holidays. Time to start nagging him about duty, responsibility etc.

A Christmas Abroad

Sue : What are your plans this Christmas? 

Paul : The usual I guess. Party and all that.

Sue : A bit tired of all the brouhaha, feel like laying low for that month. 

Paul : If you wanna lay low, why not head somewhere else instead? 

Sue : Family vacation? 

Yes, just that brief texted conversation with my sister-in-law several months back prompted our December escapade! First time we haven't had our annual Christmas party for... well a really long time!

Providential though - since I honestly can't recall the last time we travelled famille en masse to some foreign destination! Perhaps our eventful Eurotrip almost a decade ago? Ever since my niece and nephew made their jubilant appearance on the domestic scene, family trips together have become increasingly rare apart from the mandatory Chinese New Year reunion dinner. With my distant brother far off in the desert climes of the Middle East and me isolated on the large tropical island of Borneo, scheduling conflicts are bound to occur.

Picking places to go is simple enough - having all of us agree to the finalized plan, especially the finicky children is something else however. Surprisingly - had us all agog I swear - bringing up the easiest suggestion of Bangkok seemed to garner quite a positive response from my niece and nephew! Apparently their last exhaustive trip tramping through gilded temples and bustling bazaars in the sweltering tropical heat didn't seem to deter them in the least. 

And we did dangle the possibility of lazing about in the luxurious hotel suite which the kids always adore. Though like any horrible unreasonable adult, I would probably curtail those fun-filled activities to the minimum so as to maximize our shopping time. 

Calvin : We're not lugging all that!!
Paul : Maybe some candy canes?
Calvin : No!

Of course I didn't need much persuasion since Bangkok is always the ideal destination for me, what with the relatives, the food, the shopping - and hey, let's admit it, the hot male eye-candy. With December ushering in cooler days up north, seemed like the perfect time to go!

Was half afraid that Charming Calvin would give the trip a miss with the recent bereavement in his family but a short break was exactly what he needed - so several days before Christmas saw all of us packing to leave for Bangkok. 

Ain't Misbehavin

I have decided that I'll definitely be a monstrous father. One of those tough, no-nonsense disciplinarian dads who believes in speaking softly but carrying a big stick. Beware my wrath.

Made that fateful decision today as I watched gazillions of primary kids dashing, sailing and cart-wheeling through the halls, shrieking heedlessly at the tops of their voices while blithely tossing stuff at one another.

If it was a playground or a yard, I'd have been fine with it - and probably joined in with the pre-pubescent games. But this was a bookstore, the kids were playing hide and seek between the towering shelves while tossing slim hardcovers like frisbees. Even one particularly unruly enfant terrible who insisted on using the corridor between the shelves as a slide while screaming Geronimo. All under the hardly watchful eyes of their overly doting parents.

Wouldn't surprise me to find that bookstore owners probably look forward to school holidays with some sort of ... horrified anticipation. Just go take a look at the children's section of each major bookstore and watch the disastrous events unfold as schoolkids run amuck while some of the more indulgent parents watch without a care.

Not all the kids of course but there are a few hooligans out there.


Who has been a very very bad boy today?
Tell me exactly what's wrong with the parents I saw today? Am I overreacting? Is it me or have they totally lost control of their spoilt children? Were they just waiting to stop him only when he brought down the entire store in broken shambles? Or had they simply mistaken the bookstore for a daycare center? Took me an entire minute to suppress my impulse to reach out and throttle the overindulgent parents of lil Geronimo.

God help me, if it was my own kid misbehavin' like that, I'd have grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and marched him home immediately promising divine retribution. Certainly would have reimbursed the store for any damages done. I certainly wouldn't have just nodded carelessly at his reprehensible actions as his parents did.

Watching him for an entire five minutes as he mistook the center aisles for literary criticism for a roller derby, I hoped that lil Geronimo would subside of his own accord without adult intervention. Or that his parents would at least make some sort of valiant attempt.

When they failed to do so, I stopped him in his tracks with my evil eye.

Paul : SILENCE!

Thank heavens it still works. No doubt I could have used psychological warfare on the hooligan but I didn't have the time nor the patience. Under my devil glance, Lil Geronimo seemed to wilt under force majeure and skulked off silently to his unmindful parents. They got one of my patented red-eyed glares as well.

Of course if the kid had gone on misbehavin', I'd have given in to my baser instintcs, stealthily slid out my foot and tripped the bratty miscreant as he performed his somersaulting stunts. Hopefully sent him flying hopelessly into a tower of hardcovers - if not some monstrous death-trap planned by the maleficent Princess Allura.

See. I can be pretty monstrous myself.

Then again that's an innocent rugrat. It's not his fault. I'd rather trip the parents into that death-trap.