Saturday, April 04, 2015

My Pimping Grandma

Ever since her fall from grace and subsequent convalescence, my grandmother has taken up the charmed life of a lady of leisure. Not only has a maid been hired especially for her to tend to her every possible whim, my grandma even ordered a special divan for her afternoon repose.

Which is her right after almost eight decades of endless toil and hard work bringing up an extensive family. The grand old lady has earned her rest and I can't imagine anyone would begrudge her of that. Of course with so much leisurely time at hand, it isn't long before sheer boredom sets in - and my ever inventive grandmother starts coming up with plans. 

Like the age-old art of matchmaking. 

Obviously it's an inherited skill but I never knew her nonagenarian ennui would lead to her finding a toyboy for me. As it turns out, breaking her hip required an extensive course of physiotherapy which apparently necessitated the private hiring of a relatively fit, attractive young therapist. 

Coincidentally enough single.

Which brought about the oddest conversation I have had with my grandmother. And believe me when I say I've had some unusual ones. 

Grandmother : I'm sending you a picture of my physiotherapy lessons. 
Paul : Yeah I see it. You seem to be doing really well. 
Grandmother : Forget about me. You see the young man? 
Paul : The physiotherapist? What about him? 
Grandmother : Handsome, isn't he? 
Paul : Yes. 
Grandmother : He's single. 
Paul : And?
Grandmother : You ought to buy him dinner someday. 
Paul : And why? 
Grandmother : To get to know him of course. 

That was enough crazy talk for me to hastily end the conversation! 

Paul : I've got something to tell you.
Lori : OMG you're getting married!
Paul : No.
Lori : OMG you're sick?!
Paul : No!
Lori : Spill it!
Paul : I think grandma's a bit wacky.
Lori : That's not news. 

As I pondered over what she said - and yes, admired the admittedly appealing physiotherapist, part of me was wondering whether kooky senility had finally caught up with my granny. After all those overactive brains must have been exhausted after working nonstop for almost a century! Maybe the previous fall rattled something loose. Certainly worried me enough to call up my cousin Lispy Lori - who's basically the best to ask when it comes to our twisted family grapevine

Paul : Grandma is finally senile. 
Lori : No, she isn't!
Paul : She pimped me out to her physiotherapist.
Lori : Lucky you! He's hot. 
Paul : He's a child. He's barely past twenty.
Lori : Still hot. He's a gym instructor as well.
Paul : Did you conveniently forget about Charming Calvin?
Lori : Well grandma only met him once. Can't blame her for forgetting.
Paul : And how did she know I'm gay? 
Lori : Duh. 

Well that's true. 

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