Friday, June 27, 2014

Taking The SATs

Not exactly the assessment tests you're thinking about. But then when it comes to the singular homo called Fabulous Felix, it's preferable not to jump to the necessary logical conclusions since he usually deviates far from the norm.

In more than the obvious manner.

Though he denies my allegations mightily, I - the intrepid biological scientist - have been keeping a keen objective eye on his trivial pursuits and have started keeping score on his various elected quarry. In the treacherous vagaries of the animal kingdom, many a creature has tried to adapt to the untenable situation by camouflaging themselves in a variety of ways. I am starting to believe that Felix has gained that extraordinary ability himself.

All through the science of what I am calling the Semen Absorption Theory. Otherwise known as SATs. Not to be confused with my previously mentioned Siamese Twin Theory where hopelessly besotted couples merge into a single being.

Let me explain my basic premise. Initially Fabulous Felix meets the specified prey who notably amply satisfies the qualifications he desires. Said prey falls into the manly trap laid out by Felix. Certainly no need to rehash the entire act of sexual intercourse but once the deed is done, so to speak - through the physical process known as osmosis, certain qualities of the unwitting donor DNA is absorbed by our more-than-willing Felix into his artless psyche. Leaving the undeniable imprint of said prey's DNA permanently embedded in Felix which slowly but surely converts him.

Look! The Change is taking place before our very eyes!

Hence the Semen Absorption Theory.

So date a nature lover and he gets his hiking boots. Date an avid baker and he buys a cookbook. Date a classical pianist and he listens to Vivaldi.

Of course like all novel ideas, it's always hard to convince the unscientific naysayers at first.

Felix : Pooh. That's utter rubbish. 
Paul : That's what you think. But inevitably you start professing the same likes and dislikes as the guy you're seeing. Then you start exhibiting similar qualities and -
Felix : That doesn't happen!
Paul : Then you slowly inexplicably transmogrify into said guy. It's almost like cloning. 
Felix : No way!
Paul : Start dating a Goth guy and we can see whether you can disprove this theory. 

Well he already has had the piercings done. Lo and behold, the change has begun! Wonder which disreputable journal I should submit this observational study to!


Anonymous Esq. said...

Pardon me, but has he no spine of his own?

savante said...

Well, anon, I assume the transmogrification is a way to attract the male of the species! Like attracts like.

Shadow Wind said...

Your theory sounds eerily applicable to everyday life couples.

Anonymous Esq. said...

Transmogrification. Goodness. I'm still trying to figure out the anatomical and neurobiological mechanisms behind this SAT theory. =P

sharman said...

One question, is absorption better orally, or anally? Sorry. Just had to. Hahahaha