Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas Carol : Stave Two

Thus ends the first part where I came to realize exactly how relentless unstraight I was - which brings me to the second stage.

Before the end of secondary school, I had already pretty much cleared up any of my incessant doubts about my sexuality. Having a dear friend almost descend into a deranged purgatory of his own making while wrestling with his own homosexual demons really simplified things for me. Not to mention with Dapper Donovan regularly flashing his sculpted abs for my wide-eyed perusal.

Yes, I was definitely gay.

But all that only opened the door to Sexy Sanjeev, the quiet, bookish fellow who literally walked into my life with his dazzling smile and a hello. Since I was already known to him - oh my high school notoriety - I didn't even have a chance to introduce myself. Instant best friends we were.

As high school crushes go, obviously I fell really hard, really fast. Didn't take long before I was sophomorically doodling his name on my workbooks, along with the occasional quick sketch of his spectacularly long-lashed dark eyes. If I recall, I even had mementos such as his name tag and his school photo in my desk. Don't even ask me how I got my hands on them.

Of course Sanjeev was straight. Even counting the unfavourable probabilities, he would have been undeniably straight - though I was obviously far too besotted then to see. Not that I expected anything blatantly sexual in return. Just a brotherly hug. Maybe a fleeting kiss. All extremely family-friendly PG-13.

Sanjeev : Hey, wanna go for a swim this afternoon?
Paul : Umm... with you?
Sanjeev : You had someone else in mind?
Paul : You in speedos?
Sanjeev : I wasn't planning to swim in a burqa, of course swimtrunks.  Unless you'd want to see me naked.
Paul : Umm... you naked. I think I'll need to be excused for a moment. 

If Sanjeev even knew of my increasingly apparent boycrush - which I actually think he did, he thankfully never ever said a thing.

It took a brief summer holiday to end my sadly one-sided crush. Blame that and the crappy transport system. Back then I needed to change several bus routes just to get to his house - yet I did so just to spend some time with him. Till one afternoon while being painfully rattled in the rickety, slow-moving stage bus, I was solidly hit by an epiphany.

'Where the fuck am I going with this?'

Maybe it was the sweltering tropical heat evident enough in the airless confines of the bus. Maybe it was the jolt of the bus on a particularly nasty bump. It was then that I realized how hopeless things would be. Crushing on someone relentlessly heterosexual - no matter how accepting he might be of me and my sexual predilections - would be ultimately futile. Being platonic friends was all our straight Sanjeev could ever offer and for me to hope for anything more would be simply... pathetic.

Needless to say, I got off that bus and on to the next. Heading the opposite direction.

Each time I play this song, I remember we once exchanged similar Christmas gifts - bearing Mariah Carey's Christmas CD. 


Anonymous said...

sometimes we need that "light bulb" moment

savante said...

Very true! And mine was on the fricking bus hahaha

Jaded Jeremy said...

Mine was on the train, just after you came out to me, for which I am always grateful for. Thanks.

savante said...

Gosh what happened then! Now I have to try and remember, jeremy!