The Big, Bad Penis

Battering ram. Spear. Missile.

Even a list of the sly euphemisms associated with the penis itself sounds ouch painful enough. Is it any wonder that virginal romance book heroines squeal in fright whenever one of the above comes knocking?

Heroine : Ooh, I’m not sure about this.
Hero : Hush, baby, you just need to relax.
Heroine : Relax! Are you mad? It’s too big; it will never fit!

By traditional convention, all good girls are brought up to fear the great, monstrous invader that threatens to tear their virginal walls to pieces, so to speak. Correspondingly, bad girls are forever damned for being much too free with their affections. So by expressing sometimes irrational fear of the penis the good girls therefore prove their untouched innocence, and therefore their inherent worthiness.


I've got a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it!
An analogy I found absolutely mind-boggling till a friend of mine actually admitted to believing the same. Ever since I've known her, Virginal Vesper has been scandalously co-habitating with her admittedly scrumptious boyfriend of many years - and yet so far there seems to be nothing remotely sinful happening.

At least according to Vesper who swears on her undefiled chastity!

Vesper : I'm a good girl, I am! I've barely touched... It!
Paul : It?
Vesper : Well... umm.. It! You know It!
Paul : You make the penis sound like some horrific sea monster.
Vesper : But It is!
Paul : Your boyfriend's delicious. I'd definitely play with his monster.
Vesper : With another man? He'd probably freak.
Paul : Sigh. So even with a sexy boytoy stationed by your side, you've only ever been up to 3rd base?
Vesper : I can't even go near it!
Paul : So you masturbate him with what? Two-feet-long chopsticks? Handy feather duster?

Guess some girls just can't rid themselves of the agonizing spectre of the painfully plundering penis.

There's always the fear of the unknown in all of us! Of course I guess gay men would be exempt from this particular rule since we wouldn't be quite as nervous around the phallus. As men ourselves, theoretically most of us would have had an intimate knowledge of the said member. Apart from slight, often negligible differences in size, shade and shape, certainly nothing wildly dissimilar from what we have ourselves.

As teenage boys are all wont to do, chances are we'd have thoroughly explored that particular part of our anatomy. The more curious fellows would have held it up to a measuring ruler at regular intervals. Even as adult males, we handle our penis on a regular basis. Apart from taking a piss of course, we have other more pleasurable pursuits to handle as well. Sometimes repeatedly. Oftentimes more than a couple of times a day depending on the extent of our libidinous urges.

So yeah, with such familiarity, the penis wouldn't be the big bad wolf that it would otherwise appear to be. Hell, most times I actually want to go around playing with other men's erections. Let's be frank, even a stolen glance gets my pulse racing.

Though the sight of it increases Vesper's heart rate in a most undesirable way. Apart from telling poor Vesper to just go for it with eyes closed hoping for the best, I find myself at a loss. Now how do we make the penis seem less intimidating?