Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Outrageous Overtures

Assuming that ten percent of the population would be card-carrying homosexuals, you'd expect quite a fair number here in the city. In truth however - with societal repression forcing the majority into discreet closets - the number of fags seen sashaying down the main thoroughfare wouldn't be enough to fill even a glee club.

And seriously, the ones that we have met here would fit in more readily in a rough-and-tumble fight club - rather than a genteel garden party.

Case in point, our neighbour Lanky Larry. Surprisingly he displays almost none of the stereotypical qualities you'd associate with an asian homosexual male. Even the niftiest gay-dar wouldn't be able to suss him out from the bland crowd since apart from a shockingly ornate rhinestone-flecked shrine to gay diva Kylie, no one would be able to guess that this hulking tattooed gangsta was a friend of Dorothy's.

Trust me, when faced with the burly, intimidating Larry in a dark alley, even the intrepid Dorothy herself would take to her enchanted ruby heels in fright. The man probably crunches on a couple of Totos for breakfast.

Friends of Larry's?

So you can imagine - much to our surprise - how prudish our friend can be when approached by a date.

Larry : I didn't like the way he came on to me lo.
Paul : There is a proper way?
Larry : Yes, there fucking is!
Paul : What? By sending a messenger dove to carry love letters and roses? By announcing with an entourage to come courting?
Larry : Fuck no!
Paul : So what did he say?
Larry : The asshole said 'He wants to make love to me'.
Paul : Okay, a bit schmaltzy true. I'd prefer just a simple 'Fuck me now'.
Larry : That would be even worse, bloody hell! We barely know each other.
Paul : Wait, exactly which convent were you hiding in, Mother Larry? It's been more than three dates!
Larry : I am not that kinda girl.
Paul : Well he wouldn't know that. How can you blame him for trying his luck?
Larry : I am still insulted.
Paul : That he wants to fuck you? How is that an insult?!
Larry : It just is!

From the way Larry clenched his ham-sized fists, I wondered if the aforementioned offender had gone home with a black eye after his clumsy efforts at courtship.

Despite liberally peppering his everyday speech with shocking profanities, Larry still adheres to the venerable rules of Miss Manners when it comes to dating etiquette! Who knew! Turns out the disappointingly liberal attitudes of gay men when it comes to sexual dalliances actually leaves Larry cold. Even wicked propositions turn him off.

Wait till we introduce Larry to the indiscreet wonders of Grindr.


Tempus said...

well, maybe to larry sex is one big step to acknowledge a relationship, just like me~ though I wouldn't be pissed off, more like surprised. some people do really take sex seriously, so chillin the grillin, larry needs a bit more time. plus, its like, ello, you come to me for fucks only? I'm looking for more okay? Fuck off.

Mark said...


I wish I got insulted like that...

Tom said...

I respect that man. Gays holding on the these etiquette are a dying breed.

But as Tempus said, he needs to chill. Just tell his date he's looking for something more stable. I do.

savante said...

Well I agree that he might not have liked the approach but to get mad at the poor fellow, tempus? :) I would have just said thanks but no thanks.

So very true, mark! In fact insulted on a daily basis.

He's gonna take thing slow... really slow, I guess, Tom.