Dog Eat Dog

I think it is an undisputed fact that I am not an animal lover.

Only use I would have for a dog is to have it hot between the halves of a bun with mustard sauce. Even domestic farm animals such as poultry turn into targets for me.

So when our new boarder Fabulous Felix came by with a stray canine in tow, I stared aghast. Slobbering jaws, shedding hair and 50 pounds of gregarious, rambunctious golden retriever. Attack dog, he ain't.

Good God. Are the sacred grounds of Netherfield ( though it be a work in progress ) to be thus sullied? Closing the gates to the marauding wild beast didn't seem to be a viable option. Unmannerly fleabags rough-housing all over the dainty cushions in the living room could mean the end of Netherfield as we know it.


A boy and his dog!
Though I yearned for immediate banishment with an imperious lift of my finger, I restrained myself and settled for shutting the doors on the drooling dog with a stern shake of my head.

Paul : Not in the house.
Felix : Awww. Little Widdle Puppy wants to come in.
Paul : Puppy will get my boot in his face if he tries.
Felix : Awww. So mean.
Paul : Not if he slobbers and sheds all over the floor.
Felix : Little Widdle Puppy says pretty please.
Paul : No! Backyard. Shoo.

Seriously. What is it about dogs and their fawning owners?

Though I'll have to admit his Little Widdle Puppy is endlessly adorable - and quite lovable in his own way. Although Felix - and Kat - do tend to go a little overboard with their endless baby coos! Seems like they spend more time playing ball and stick with the dog rather than offering any sort of stern discipline.

Hence the dog has none. Zero puppy training. Hardly listens to orders. Chases after everything that moves. Leaps madly into erroneous conclusions.

Paul : Time you trained him.
Felix : But he's okay la.
Paul : Until he runs into a snake? Or even a bus?
Felix : He won't la.
Paul : How will you stop him even if he does? Time he listened to orders.

He doesn't even listen to Stay.

Think it's about time the Little Widdle Puppy went to school for some obedience training. Finally had to sit Felix down and warn him of the inherent dangers of letting an unruly mongrel go untrained. Poisonous snakes, larcenous robbers and the like. Raising a dog isn't for the fainthearted. Takes a whole lotta love and commitment.

And though I bear but little love for him, at least I gotta stop the pooch from gamboling headlong ( and heedlessly ) into a speeding lorry. Wouldn't want the horrific blood spatter on my fence.

And I really hate scooping up roadkill.