Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Conquered, Cowed and Crushed

After several desperate years of heated battle - coming after endless decades of consistent backbiting and sly calumny, there's nothing quite as satisfying as having your sworn enemy kneeling in surrender, beaten, battered and bloodied. Though no amount of barbarous bruising could possibly mar that impossibly handsome face.

Permit me a moment to indulge myself in the stereotypical villain's hearty laugh, so rare an opportunity for me to do so.

Paul : So what do you have to say for yourself. 
Alexander : My armies are routed. My lands are forfeit. My last city has been besieged. I have fallen. 
Paul : You admit defeat then? 
Alexander : Yes. Be kind to my people. They have done nothing wrong. Your loyal ally, the bastard city-state of Bucharest razed the glorious city of Sparta to the ground leaving the inhabitants to starve. 
Paul : I shall do no such thing. Apart from a change in governments, the city of Pharsalos and Athens shall remain as it always has. 
Alexander : For that I am thankful.
Paul : Don't be too sure of that yet. 
Alexander : What do you mean? 
Paul : The beauty of the Greek men certainly hasn't escaped my notice. For starters, your Greek Companion Cavalry will be stripped of their honours, weapons and armour to be conscripted into my all male harem. 
Alexander : What!
Paul : And you, as my subjugated slave will acquiesce to my every whim and fancy. 
Alexander : Wait a minute, I...
Paul : Guards, take this man away. Get him cleaned up, washed and readied for my bedchamber. 

Damn. Almost got a hard-on.

So much for Alexander being great. Hemmed in by my Great Wall, they didn't have much of a fighting chance to survive the game.

Greeks Bearing Gifts?

That's what the Greeks get for being such a pain for the past millennia. Though I might concentrate hard on culture and commerce, that doesn't mean my armies aren't busy sharpening their knives - hence my high rank in the list of civilizations with the pointiest sticks. Though I can make peace, my memory's really long so denounce me once too often - or stiff me when it comes to trading luxury goods - and I shall keep score.

However despite my seemingly aggressive personality in real life, I'm definitely a pacifist in the game of Civilization V. Far too busy farming, building roads and monuments to think much about invading other fledgling settlements, well apart from the pesky barbarians who creep out of the terrifying dark at the most inopportune moments. Of course the fact that my expansionist empire grows like that much vermin can be endlessly irritating to my less productive neighbouring rivals.

Now who shall I wipe out next...


Steven said...

Haha did you get the latest expansion? You might need to organize multiple harems to attract all the tourists for a cultural/diplomatic victory! Make sure to mentally test the Greek/Persian goods.

P.S. I still prefer a victory through domination. *Ahem*Spoilsofwar* =)

matt said...

glad to see you're enjoying the game! I've been playing off and on since civ 1. after a gap of a few years, I just picked up civ 5 a couple weeks ago. but it sucks hours of time..

matt said...

by the way, if you're pleased with your suit, could you recommend your Bangkok tailor? i'll be going there in december and need a new suit myself.

Ban said...

oh, i think you'll want the latest expansion since it has religion and more diplomacy/people manipulation options.